I have decided to start a blog to just put down my feelings, thoughts and memories as the 1 year anniversary of my mom's passing quickly approaches.  This date and what it means is on my mind everyday and thru the night.  Everyday for this past year I have been able to think back to where we were the year before, what her health was like, her spirits, where she was in her treatment, and how old my children were.  Now, I will not have that.  She has been gone a year and we have lived a year of our lives without her.  She was still a part of the memories we were making and now when I look back at last Christmas, last birthdays, most of Max's life, when Gage was 8 and Luke was 5, she will not be a part of those memories and that hurts more than I can explain.  And somehow, I get the feeling that living this second year without her will be harder than the first.

My mom was more than my mom, she was my best friend.  I spoke to her multiple times a day.  I would just call her to tell her something funny one the boys had done.  I'd call her first thing in the morning, when I wasn't working.  We went shopping (I haven't been to Sam's Club since she passed.)  We went to lunch, to dinner.  The boys and I went to her house every Sunday for dinner.  We talked about everything and we talked deeply about things.  We had meaningful conversations.  It is said all the time, but I didn't just lose my mom, I also lost my best friend. So, as I start this blog, it is to say all of the things I would want to talk about with her.  It's funny, but I don't talk out loud to her or in my head because I truly do feel her all around us and I do know she is watching all that goes on.  I also feel that I knew her so well and that we were so close, I know what she would say to anything I would have to say.  Sometimes though, you just have to get it out of your mind and into words and that is what this about.  Does that many sense to anyone but me? ;)