So, yesterday was about tough days.  Tonight is about blessings.  A friend reminded me last night how lucky I am to have had the type of relationship I had with my mom. Yes, a blessing, for sure.  And I often feel I am too young to not have my mom here, but then I quickly remember the many people who have lost parents at a much younger age.  My nieces lost my brother, Todd when they were only teenagers. 

There is a hidden blessing I want to write about tonight.  I knew before my mom even passed away that God works in mysterious ways and had given me a huge blessing, even under the most difficult of circumstances.  I wrote about how close we were, but my mom also did everything for me and my kids.  My family relied on her heavily for everyday things.  She came to my home everyday at 6:40 to watch my kids in my home for 4 years. She got them breakfast, got them dressed, took Gage to preschool and then in kdg. got him on the bus.  She took Lukas to speech.  If I needed something from the store and didn't want to pack up the kids, she went and got it for me.  She stayed late on conference nights until Brent got home from work.  She washed my clothes, did my dishes, started my supper, emptied the dish washer.  Brent hasn't had his work clothes folded since my mom got sick :) I often took my kids to her house while I went to the store or ran errands.  I had a very difficult time during the first trimester that I was pregnant with Max and she held my house and life together.  I can't tell you the number of boxes of diapers she bought for Gage.  I often joked that one day I would buy her her diapers. BUT, Brent and I always thanked her and told her how much we appreciated her.  I always told her I would repay her for everything...and I believe I was given that chance.  And I have said how close we were, so if God had taken my mom suddenly, our worlds would been, well, I can't even explain it.  God gave me, my family, a year to learn to live without her.  During the year of her treatment, she was so weak and in a chemo fog a lot, life for her was never the same.  I read about people who work and do treatment, but I just think every cancer is different and lung cancer takes you down hard and fast.  We still had her, but we were learning to live without her.  I relied on my mom for things Brent should have been doing and Brent had to step up to the plate and he did.  It made us work together more and it made our marriage stronger.  Today, it's just me and Brent and we have to figure out together how get each day accomplished, with little help now (I know, like most married couples.)  My dad learned how to wash clothes, cook for them, clean, and change sheets. He saw he would be ok. AND, most importantly, my mom saw that we would be ok without her.  She had taught us well and that it was alright for her to go.  I truly believe she is at peace and knowing my family and my dad would be able to live life well without her brought her peace she would not have had if she would of left us suddenly. 

I have decided to start a blog to just put down my feelings, thoughts and memories as the 1 year anniversary of my mom's passing quickly approaches.  This date and what it means is on my mind everyday and thru the night.  Everyday for this past year I have been able to think back to where we were the year before, what her health was like, her spirits, where she was in her treatment, and how old my children were.  Now, I will not have that.  She has been gone a year and we have lived a year of our lives without her.  She was still a part of the memories we were making and now when I look back at last Christmas, last birthdays, most of Max's life, when Gage was 8 and Luke was 5, she will not be a part of those memories and that hurts more than I can explain.  And somehow, I get the feeling that living this second year without her will be harder than the first.

My mom was more than my mom, she was my best friend.  I spoke to her multiple times a day.  I would just call her to tell her something funny one the boys had done.  I'd call her first thing in the morning, when I wasn't working.  We went shopping (I haven't been to Sam's Club since she passed.)  We went to lunch, to dinner.  The boys and I went to her house every Sunday for dinner.  We talked about everything and we talked deeply about things.  We had meaningful conversations.  It is said all the time, but I didn't just lose my mom, I also lost my best friend. So, as I start this blog, it is to say all of the things I would want to talk about with her.  It's funny, but I don't talk out loud to her or in my head because I truly do feel her all around us and I do know she is watching all that goes on.  I also feel that I knew her so well and that we were so close, I know what she would say to anything I would have to say.  Sometimes though, you just have to get it out of your mind and into words and that is what this about.  Does that many sense to anyone but me? ;)